One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.