I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year