You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.