Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!