When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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felt that
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Only Americans understand
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.