Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
this came to me in a vision
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂