In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*