I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Okay me first
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded