Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.