Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
This took me a second..
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!