FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?