Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.