Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”