I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?