[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist