Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands