[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs