*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween