I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
🤣😈🤣
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea