“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
You Might Also Like
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
A bold strategy
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.