Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
#JohnTravolta
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“Wait, let me explain..”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things