You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
never deleting this app.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
This hospital has everything
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.