[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?