I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Nomnomnomnom
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!