“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Noted.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.