Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel