[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
me, after any kind of buffet.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.