Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams