PARKOUR
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
A game married people play.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.