having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
You Might Also Like
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Children of the corn 🌽
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.