MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
this will hang in the louvre one day
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
this is the best day of my life
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
So sick of all these stupid rules