I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Hey I worked for it too!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you鈥檒l be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Pete Davidson always knows what鈥檚 different about you when you ask
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don鈥檛 want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.