Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed