who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*ernest hemingway voice*
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.