“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.