Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
For those that worship cheese..
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”