White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.