at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!