a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Camping tip: No.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down