[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Seems kinda suspicious
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting