just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Black Friday “markdowns” like
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
mechanics be like
🤣dope
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose