My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I wish this was real life…
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell