If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You Might Also Like
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?