“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My flabber has been gasted.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”