Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You Might Also Like
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses