*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
not for long
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please