Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
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I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke