My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.