“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.