If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled